Dear angel,

2012-01-25T23:44:00.001+08:00

to ages for forsaken attentions,
and i'd take but never give back,

i'd look at you more everyday,
a certain crazy creeping unto us,

i regret, and yet proceed,
your attention so blinding,

i'd stop

rejecting

and am only able now

to receive, your love.
on knees, i am hugged and salvaged,
cared for and fed, loved and renewed,

whots this to stop loving and be loved?
an amazing divorce, a true answer,

a wonder,
and my tired self,
returns this whiteness again.

2012-01-07T04:04:00.002+08:00

like as if you did

care about my opinion

to be ignored is the most hated feeling in the world,
I MATTER BECAUSE I AM AN ENTITY, A MIND, AN ENTIRE NETWORK OF UNIQUE THOUGHT PROCESSES THAT

YOUUUUU

DO NOT OWN NOR HAVE

ANY

CLUE

ABOUT.

MY. OPINION. MATTERS.

dafuq is bo hew you. I tHINK that MY view is BETTER than YOUR one-sided, narrow-minded Perception of our situation, and I dONT give a FUCK if you CANT be bothered to Comprehend and RESPOND to something YOU obviously DONT understand about! what makes you think your way is better than mine? why cant i be more right than you? why cant i be MORE experienced and see and do things better than you? i dont see you being more mature than this. i dont agree with your style, your opinion, your way of handling things and talking to people. i dont like the way you treat your friends and the people around you BECAUSE I DONT. LIKE. THE WAY. YOU, TREAT. ME.

i dont comprehend why you cant be, in actual fact, stupider than me.

i am breaking away from you today. i really think im smarter and more well-rounded than you and i dont think im unrealistic nor immature, if ever being young is a bad thing. and i just. dont support you anymore. i dont want to follow your style and actions anymore.

I WANT YOU
TO ACCEPT MY WAY
TO ACCEPT ME
AS A PERSON
THAT HAS A BRAIN
AND HAS FEELINGS
AND AM NAWT SOMETHING YOU CAN PUSH AROUND!

Just because i like to write, analyze, revel, ponder and muse about transitory feeling and situations doesnt make me weaker than you. what makes me a better writer, is definitely not your judgement of my psyche, when you dont even write nor are able comprehend my work one bit.

this sorrow, your present to my work,
your presence to mine, i

dont need so much as a confirmation,

just a space

this
a
space

of situation

of engulfment
to displace
and invoke

more...

opi n io n

my angel, you do know i am talking about you right.

2011-12-29T03:04:00.002+08:00

break hearts what larks

im not cut out for this,

yet love is in my profession,

loving an image everyday, kowtowing, boot-licking, having mindless banters and cheering and jeering,

vomit rainbows on a model of a self,

and then again

in the end,

today i can only say,

i can love you for a night,

but i cannot do it forever.

because it will be too tiring for me,

and i dont want to feel that with you.

we can have many more nights, anyway.

whuts this fear of drowning in love, your face and presence too gagging, this past too demeaning,

im way beyond being on my knees,
on all fours, on my belly salmon-begging for love,

i can never throw myself there again.

baby i can love you for one night,

but dont make me any more than that.

because i am really only worth that much you'd pay for my fee.

2011-12-04T03:24:00.002+08:00

i need.. more skin

i want.. more bodies

fuck talking nice, i just want to rape you now..

i might be rushing because im frustrated, stressed, over worked prolly,

but it just means that i need more

attention.

if i cant get more from you, then i need something somewhere someone else.

i dont want to rack my brains on how to get what i want from you,

i just need you to know how much i want you now.

im jumping off my seat, heart on overdrive,
only
for
your
attention.

calmdown..

now how do i let you know you make me feel this way..

2011-11-28T17:18:00.002+08:00

i dont know what makes us better,

but myself,

i am really not so good.

i try to tell you what im like,

destitute, shameless,

and yet i cant get myself working again,

insides, all screwed up,

a panic, a human feeling,

paranoia and how i dont like people to hate me and talk behind my back,

im not getting anything out of you biting my head off,

but i do try hard still.

i think i've done good this year, and my sister came home a little too excited about buying my present than usual.
which makes me feel twice as bad about ruining my own birthday for other people.
i dont know what theyll give me, an earring? a taxi license? ok nonsensical aside, idk, maybe i'll get a gundam set.

and actually,
i really want flowers.

2011-11-23T05:09:00.002+08:00

I keep this trinket close to heart, a symbol of what we grew from.

I am not much better than before,
Dirtier, because I realize I can't save mistakes anymore
But kinder, because holding remorse doesn't make me a better human

Since we died I made sure I could handle any kind, all kinds of people.
I made sure I could enter and center any circle.

Because I had to be sure that it is not me who is giving up at any point of time,
I need to make sure I never stop
Because when I stop lying

I think the world will be a universe more unbearable,

If I died, what about all these people who cared?
I need to make sure my words

Never

Undo their bright eyes..
Because I can take pain better than them, I can take it for you.

2011-11-22T07:48:00.003+08:00

2011-11-22T00:21:00.004+08:00

dont look down on her

because i am still here,

i am the one to blame

i am so indebted to her

dont look down on her,

cuz i am i so much better than her.

how much more do you want me to be?

how much more prettier,

how much more kinder,

how much more sociable

how much more knowledgeable,

how much more proper, clean, holy, pure, untouched

do you want me to get,

because i would do anything for you

i would become miss world universe twice for you
even if it takes me 50 years.

how can i make you realise how awesomely easy my replies are to?
how can i make you relate to what i make for you.
this is not a show. this is how much i am willing to take to meet you on equal levels.

would you be kinder if you knew i was in love?
would you.. if i had brought my latest interest?

would you know how much i did
was forced, and accepted so

just

because

I Love You?

i would never love you as much as even my small muses now,
but you mean so much that i need so much to save you,
can you.. not slip away, not kill me, not slaughter my little wishes
because i really ONLY want to save you. and not myself

because i realise,
in the end, i am so much more better than you.

but i never deny you are prettier in so many senses.

angst,

is an implication of purity, i need to tell you that i drank, and i know that you

need to do this,

but i sincerely doubt your whys.

2011-11-17T22:20:00.002+08:00

am i... really so oblivious to being used?

so used to giving everything that its too much but i dont even know, so much that i appear a fool to others?

even for things- everyday things , that dont even remotely involve my angel.

i would be a fool for you,

but now i seem to be.. just plainly a fool.

too nice? wrong impressions? taken advantage of?
too ego? put me back into my place? what place? slaving again?

i think i got improve. at least now i know when i dont want to entertain certain situations for my own benefit.
and how to keep my own mind apart from what other people say..

im.. on the wrong frequency with my "happy playlist", so disheartened...

i.. dont know how, where to turn to.

i need to entertain more people, work with more things, more stuff to accomplish,

what, i need to alter my route now? what

what am i doing,

should i just walk away from this?

preserve my pride? or my work, my babies... the company, the people that depend on me to stay relevant, even if i know its too much and too unreasonably,

carrying worlds,
tanking,
paving paths for people i feel responsible for,
all in a days' work..

because i know living with people is awesome.
being the center of support is inspiring, helps unknowing people push on.

glorifying, and yet, most times i write about how selfish i am in fulfilling my own desires,

i know i wanted this list of bodies, this much of attention,

i touch because i want, and i am irresponsible because of that?

how come i never know what is enough for 5000 other people,
how i do calibrate these levels to be the same, to at least explain myself to 5000..
do i even?

facing 1 person is difficult enough.. facing the world is unpleasant..

2011-11-12T09:54:00.002+08:00

this is why people like me better than you.

i'd still want to be friends, and they'd wantto as well because they knwo i am different from them, i am not just a repeat of what they are, i am an addition to their being. and that's being friends is about..

visited my old profs today. they love me because i am not mediocre, and i am not a lackey, i do whatever the shit i want, even when they disagree. and there's the respect we're talking about. thats how i am memorable, thats how i am chanel and i am not a number, a class, a piece of work.

apart from you i am honest, apart from you i am self-assured, apart from you i respect my talent,

apart from you, i
think that i am a better person. a better human,
and i will complete a most fulfilling and most amazing lifetime by 30.

i think im almost there.

since portraiture,
i.. haven t been able to forget a face in the crowd,
a ubiquitous white man, a narrow passageway, a certain horror,
i panic because i felt the atmosphere tell me why i am not supposed to be here.
a pain of recession, yet im further front than you seem to think.
front is painful too.. dont know left from right,

blonde boy,
actually, i find i just
need some skin. but also, it'd be fun to see where it can go.

2011-11-10T11:07:00.002+08:00

2011-11-10T10:57:00.003+08:00

dear angel,

sometimes, words come so naturally, i dont even need to prompt, what is this? and in other cases, almost everyone else is as hard to talk to as you are.

sometimes, i wish i was a different kind of person, but now i am,

now i am,
her, most closely,

you, most vaguely,

myself, less likely,

and then again, i
just want to try now.

a fright of a starter, and yet
a universe apart,
you and i
just got
a universe

closer...

2011-11-08T05:07:00.002+08:00

want

your

body,

and how much im learning,

and waiting

for more attention,

alpha-male or tsundere

oh man, i

2011-11-05T06:17:00.002+08:00

insult

is opinion

opportunists, smart ones at least

dont create themselves.

dont fail,
because i dont like revealing them

i dont like being around awkward

i can tell, and i make the effort to sense what i can

and maybe i will that chance,

blonde

or tall

or just pretty,

who cares... i

will be so much prettier.

only because i love her.

2011-10-13T02:20:00.002+08:00

till all my sleeves are stained red

from being too honest to care,

i am aware sometimes, but i cant stop feelings

its.. torturous to know how it will go, how it will end, how i might feel

and not be able to change it.

not able to release it,

i cant talk about it, because it legitimizes what i am denying.

and here comes the cheesy posts,

chiselled features, chocolate body,
old eyes that pretend to be young just so he can do his job and get along well.

expensive tastes and visual whore,

i can never figure you out, and i can never stop myself either,

even if i know i like them for all the wrong reasons.

2011-10-08T07:30:00.002+08:00

i went to bed with a broken ego

you are my only attention

and i think i will have the same problem every 2nd year,

because i truly believe you will do this again,

i dont think i will get to watch another jay chou concert.

i will never see him again.

all because you dont want me to go to something you like.

its all speculation, but i think it might happen.

anyways, i always see better sides,

and tonight was pretty good despite,

so many friends and smiles and little infatuations, obsessions, little taking advantages here of and there,

abs and chocolate body, improved english and how i make you slip into natives easily,

who says i am not good at talking, who says i am not awesome at what i do,

well, to you: i've touched some hot abs today, have you?

2011-09-10T23:25:00.002+08:00

he's sex when he drives.

and exactly the kind of body i'd like,

if only he had that charisma all other time when he's not driving.

_________________________________________________

im taking more chances, opportunist

talking to you when you are down, +10pts closeness.

im such a machine

but i get so many things done nowadays.

i feed you top-of-the-line sweets and treats

because i scolded you earlier today

and i do the most unthinkable things

just because i can, right

now.

the things i fail to do

include getting you to stay by my side

and i dont amount to much now, do i..

2011-09-06T23:04:00.002+08:00

Today is missing something,

my bones ache, i feel weak,

even skin was never enough at all,

its when i realise, i am

darn fucking free from longing for, pining for, screaming for your attention

like even if you gave some, i wouldnt be happy anyway.

your beautiful face, the way you speak, how your features and their form,

what you want from me, i

am so flooded with all these crystal clear details,

i dont have to search for more,

i dont have to google your name, go through old pictures confused,

dont have to know what you think,

i have thoroughly solved all my problems with you.

and it feels

unfulfilling, afterall.

you are all i know, and all you are i know.

its like i dont even want to touch you, look at you, do anything with you

if you were here

i just want to be you.

___________________________________________________________

you're so hot i save your picture on whatever desktop im at

because i tend to have this habit, so random desktops have random pictures of hot people.

and i get bitchy about the people you hang out with because i am jealous of your hotness.

i am thoroughly honest, so i can say please ooze more hotness because people do enjoy you being just you.

______________________________________________________________

grow up man.

im constantly in dire health but im not THAT angsty over it.

i find people hard to handle/talk to sometimes, and it irritates me and frustrates me because they dont try. i've spent so much effort getting down to knowing exactly how to relate to all kinds of people, just so i can communicate well and know that its not my fault, and its not that i dont try. but if i try so hard and we are making so little progress in just talking, i cant help but judge you as an asshole and an egoist that only waits for people to talk to you and present their topics to you as if you're better than them, as if others owe you communication, not the other way round.

i dont want to be seriously plotting and mulling over How Do I Get You To Agree With Me, because its too much work, and you're not that worth it either.

i need to get what i want from every relation afterall.

_____________________________________________________________

how do i.. get more from you.

and where did my self-respect go.

he/they put so much effort in being upright in all the right ways, i feel like my pride had been jaded too long ago.
but then again, i dont need it, the uprightness and set of code, i'll just do it my own way..

im not so holy anyway..

2011-08-26T17:37:00.002+08:00

i imagine you're kinda sad. and it makes me feel melancholic that i might fall in love with a despairing image again. you're lovely, i wanted to say..

i thought i had enough of these things, people with deficit hearts,
emptied care, i think they are beautiful, but,
i will never be next to them.

your wide-eyed drained smile, is one of the things i can never comment on.

2011-08-10T19:23:00.002+08:00

i dont want to hear ugly words, yet i spout them myself,

i know what "i cant be with you" means,

i just.. always believed you knew me enough to know it does not matter to me.

not being with you doesnt change the fact that i feel this empty now, without you around.

not being with you doesnt change my sorrow, my love, and how i will never leave you alone to die.

not being together doesnt change much, because we were never together what, right?

today i will tell you, this place is empty with out you here, i will never leave you alone in a corner, i need you now, today, to keep me grounded.

i miss you

2011-08-01T05:04:00.002+08:00

Wherever you go, wind

whoever you choose, wind

whatever you do, wind

as long as you're happy, wind

i am always with you, wind.

the prettiest thing about you

is how your eyes tell me what you're feeling today.

all my pretty words, things i'm willing to give,
you know i am most true
with you.

_____________________________________________________________

i need you to believe me, and explain to me all these things i dont understand about you.

i am frustrated because i am like you, i believed that as long as i am good enough, strive better long enough, i am definitely worth more than trash like that.

but thanks, you are not like me. i dont pick up trash like that.
i've bowed my head all these years
only so when i stand tall, i am worth much more than them.
there are things even i feel insulted you grovel to, as much as i love you and want you to be happy.

i am frustrated because, i put in that much effort into living better than the last year, better than just yesterday, yet you just give up most of the time.
where was the gentleness i thought i saw you give her.

i dont want to be stubborn and ungrateful, and i wish it didnt get on my nerves so much,

but i really wished, hoped, prayed, that you had done more
and sulked less
wish you had done more
to make me feel like i was less alone in this
like i didnt need to be the one to save myself again
like you were actually reliable.
actually, i just wish you had done more.

and it is a purely one-sided regret.

i really wish i didnt go through all that...

2011-07-29T12:53:00.003+08:00

i dont know where to begin my confusion,

well, we started out together,

and you're my third try now.

i thought i had gotten it right, and things will be so much smoother,
i put in every measured love,
and watched over you
from start to end.

and in the end,
i am.. not enough again
everything i put in, did not get
through till end.

and i
cannot get any further than this.

i am a person not willing to give up my stand for yours half-heartedly
and i've only given you the purest of love.

am i
not comparable then?

years of being better than last..
from start till end...

i am not the closest, its okay,
but i hate to be the last.

i had forgotten for a moment,
that you had the habit of confiding in those who do not pay you full attention
and nothing you do not deliberately hide,
can pass before me.

i hate how much i pick up,
your disorder, your unhappiness, melancholy,
silence
disrupted by my presence,

i wanted to hug you and say its okay,
you can leave if it makes you happier, as long as you are happy,
i will always be on your side.

2011-07-24T01:25:00.002+08:00

i wish you werent so half hearted and think you're worth more than him, you dont.

youre worth 3days,

he's worth 6 years.

today i put 6 years into one hope, i wish you werent so half hearted,

this trip, is worthed more than you.

2011-07-22T01:51:00.004+08:00

i wil never be number one

is something i can understand and he can understand because i am a person like that.

its not so much of i gave 90% of my love to her and so i can onl y give you 10%. im not like that. you're worth say 70, i will give you 70 because i have that much to spare at this moment cuz she's not here anyway. but also, its my capacity to love you one-sidedly so i dont care what you think of this. and you will never be first because, when it comes to the hard decisions, i will always always choose her first. but to me everything else is as you go. i love you 70 so imma follow you till im bored. :))) <3

even if you are not first in my entire life, you are 70 and i love you, so i can be hurt too. when i love you i mean it. and the difference between us, is that i never hurt people with the smallest decisions. i will still choose us over a choice, and i will still smile and cuddle when youre hurting me. the difference is that i will chase you to the ends of the earth, even if it kills me for that 70, is still love. is something you are not willing to give up, for me.

the difference between you and i, is that i will smile for every text i receive, because you think of me. the difference is that i am content with this much. though i cannot deny i crave more. the difference is that i am happy. to just have you here.
i am finally happy. in this way. i am finally at peace. with everything had.

brr

i think you are confused and it makes me confused coz its unsettling and i cannot point it out to you that you are unsettled.

you still like jaime. and i've always been okay with it, because people with full hearts are the most genteel, the most beautiful, the most worthed in my opinion. what i cannot stand is half hearted fucks that cannot put their hearts in any right place. if you keep them whole and never let any near, it garners some respect as well. but scattered parts of a heart, is just half fucked.

i think.. you feel responsible for my accident and thus want to open options to please me, but its.. well you're not here and you're not there. i like to have my cake and eat it on the spot kinda person.
firstly you're not here. then, i do not blame you for the accident. and then, i dont like this trying-and-not-trying thing.

if u wanna man up then man up and stop eating painkillers and complaining and start manning up and take proper care of my scarred body because if manning up is your answer well its not working cuz everybody else is so much mannier than you atm, so i figured manning up is not your answer, because you do not give a hoot about my hospital appts, the doctor's diagnosis, the treatments, the scars, the potential surgery, the after effects, i mean like, theres so much you don tknow i cant be bothered to face you like a guy that owes me a visiting fruit basket anymore. i.. almost had to go for plastic surgery. if you wanted know.. i.. damaged the nerves on the left side of my face, so i cant feel my teeth nor any brain freeze o nthe left side anymore. if you wanted to concern.. my.. left eye might drop into my cheek abit and my face might dislocate and the other day i was wiping my face and i cracked it like you'd crack your knuckles, its quite amusing mainly, but worrying later on..

im.. not so particular abt my body in the end, cuz my body is a wreck already anyway. i take things as they go, but recently its more of the questioning why it doesnt bother you if you want to be polite and manly.
i needed more of your head. when i told her she wasnt in the zone because she was distracted, i understood perfectly what i felt from her. and its the same for you too. you are very cautious around me nowadays, and its not helping because there are so many other things to do that you are not doing because you are distracted by your self consciousness. its.. neither here nor there, its more like you want to help but is deciding whether by doing so i will have what kind of impression of you and etcetc, and meanwhile, im alr otw out clearing the mess. and i shouldnt have to because its not like im the only person there, why do i have to clear the mess here myself! so by that standard you are distracted.

i dont need another scared-shit older-than-me kid around me. because i cannot give you anything, i cannot teach you anything. i cannot impart anything to a kid who will not listen to the end of my sentence before taking his leave politely. i cannot get my point across to a person who will reply with "ah yea yea i know i know.." mid sentence or some other random question to change topic midsentence. or worse, just leave. i HATE low eq people.
not the point.
i think that a woman
should be able to hold her drinks
and an awesome crowd,
all in one hand
and take a few hard knocks with the other.

i've gone through much. and i am fearless. but not without effort. i think it is only right a person is like that as well.

if you're not strong, you can be hard. if you're not hard, you can be smart. its not a choice, it is the basic requirements of being human. because people who choose to be none, are an insult to life. and i take life seriously, like hello, im trying hard here to live and wtf is your attitude, just nua and say cannot and then sulk, cheebye you havent BEEN through HARD. its not a choice. its just an insult to me.

i've said some mean things and some sharp things, but in then end, i needed you to know what i think.

its not like i cant live without you.
but i dont want to give you up to something i would not give myself up to. its not worth it. listen to me. its not worth it, im worth more.

i think
that some women are worth seven years.
and that seven years, is how much you're worthed as well.

2011-07-20T00:39:00.002+08:00

goodnight

i love you

i wish you were here

squeeeze.

only you can understand my heart

and it is a comfort so easy i

cannot tear away from you.

being beside you keeps me anchored to my own space and yours,

i am sorry for being selfish all the time,

you are the only one i trust here.

2011-07-14T12:45:00.000+08:00

recently

you hurt me more than i do you

2011-07-07T03:11:00.002+08:00

actually i dont miss you alot, but its just that wheni do,

this feeling is too deep and too sad that i must blog about it.

it is like.. special.

okay. i will try to remember something else for now.

youre not smart. but i cannot forgive if you are not people-smart. i want you to automatically know when i am sad, when i am annoyed, when i am irritated, angry, happy, when i want to hold your hand.

i think.. that much is sincerity.

i want you here. i want you now. i want you to comfort me. i want you to peer into my crying face with a questioning look. i want you to say its fine im here. i want you to have tissues that magically appear from your pocket. i want your presence.

i crave your presence and
it is why i miss you so much.

i.. cannot say i miss something if it was never there for me in the first place.

i miss you, who was there for me, outside every toilet cubicle with a secret teary history, behind every aquarium glass pane, every cafe cupboard, every 550d/1.8.

when i cry, when the nights are too empty without your heavy black hole presence,
when i turn around and expect to meet with your gentle visage,

i think i need less lonely nights.

2011-07-06T02:39:00.001+08:00

i miss you next to me. or rather,

i next to you. your fingers,

hair, body, i step into

your space sometimes

just

to

get

what

i

want.

2011-07-05T03:09:00.000+08:00

because death is important to us,

and i

will see you on the other side.

2011-07-03T02:23:00.002+08:00

周华健爱相随

i will never regret.

ahh.. recently is a confusing bundle of goodbyes and wtfs. am trying to hold on to something that is not mine. the guilt tripping, whining and attentionseeking. it only works for so far. i know you love me till this extent. when i am not aware and trying to distract you at the sametime, while my mind was complaining about something else, you put your face to my hair, "i treasure you". its not fair.. such sweetness, and only when i am not aware. my heart gets robbed by your sweet actions, gentle presence, deep words, most of the time not for me, but yea, we do everything together nowadays. you never let girls say goodbye first. its so painful now.. but much less than my solution though. im very bad at this thing... very horrible suggestions that are surefails. i.. will always be here anyways. :) you can come back anytime.

ahh.. so fast, one year. so many things happening, i know, i am not in this comm, and maybe they work differently and maybe it works in this kinda way, but i dont understand it and it looks like a surefail to me thats why. i have lots to say, and they are not very nice words anyway. i apologise in advance, but recruiting saikangs in an exclusive way is offensive and demeaning, its not an adm party anymore, which in the first place, you wouldnt need this many saikangs if you had competent enough members. the committee is not working if only three cogs are turning at any one time. its not about you being able to pickup enough slack for the event to continue, but rather whether it could be better if you didnt have the excuse "its the best solution for now". im sorry, but i really love this batch of admers so i dont want there any problems for their last party before they're really too old, im being honest, so im shooting down your idea. its okay if i dont get it in the end, im just complaining anyways.. the policy Could be done away with. because i run things like a coffeeshop and its drinking buddies, everything goes and can be worked out.

ahh... face-fracture hurting. i cant rest my cheek in my palm anymore. i think i will dislocate my face.. wants to complain, but there's no soul at this hour willing to listen to my complaints so im blogging. concussion drinking, 3d glasses front row, and horrid jaw. everything is dying in here.. skin's bad too, hair's bad too.. bones are corroding faster than 3 month maggot nests. its an old man's disease.. its death, not sickness. im worn out. like how th edr martens people cannot replace for reasons of wear and tear.

touch. you will want me more..

2011-06-27T02:24:00.002+08:00

breaker is damn cool!! the art is awesome realistic shiz. story is good too!! but the epic battle dragged toolong when he powered-up! TSK! then it got cancelled. cbsians. its damn good lor! can continue one lor! imma look for continue series.. wait ahh..

ahh! found it! The breaker: New waves. hope its as good as the last one.
omg i feel like re-reading Ceres. i somehow think that it might have been only good because i read it in US. hahahha. but the art is so good. nowadays i prefer shounen-alternative manga. seinen is good too manz. but do not like mindless creature battles like in psyren. i gave up quickly. it was quite bad. i like the human mind-plot shiz. and i like gore, good horror gore. not the blood drip drip drip and spread kind.. its the blood exploded everywhere and they're still fighting kind, or the blood exploded and left there for months kind.

i liked the faye story in tsubasa. but it came very late. chapter 155 onwards. yui is a pretty boy with horror hair and gaunt appearance heeheeeheheeeee.

i.. do not like when you dont pay attention to me. and i.. think that i am being practical when i feel this way, because, i.. am not yours. and as much as you own my interest, i can lose it quickly as well. "i am going xmen with another man" was what i attempted to say but didnt in the end. because i decided, you were not worth so much.. in the end. do you.. know who i am? apart from the things i tell you.. and might as well have telled everyone. because you.. do not possess the heart to impress me.. not like the pen in his breastpocket, not like the milo in his hand, not like the fears he confesses, not like the.. things i do for you.

i bought a pretty jap chic flowery maxi dress, its cream base so its not too bright. im thinking wardrobe overhauuullllll~ do not haves many clubbingy clothes but can improvise. do not like the tacky shiny spandex shit anyway. next season is seeing maxi to the max!! i haves now many long skirt/dresses to wear. the long skirts are like flare-y and not so flattering but can match with long top to trim it to look more gaunt and less i-do-yoga-and-wash-rice-cookers. im going bright in boho japchic with more creams and greys, browns, some denim. i shd do the nude lips more too. im lazyyyy.

AHHHHH ive got so much shit to do but im not doing!! but i love a good story with some great art.. tsk. okay. um tmr is.. xmen and chinatown and school? tuesday is some deadline i cant rmb. and school? and wednesday there are 2 dealines and md and school and bizmag stuff and something else i cant rmb. idk what goes with what anymoreee!!! i wants some unlimited creative explosions!! FOC HERE I COME THANKSBYE.

dear angel, you're so pretty i wish i could become like you. when i come across things that remind me of the things you said, i tend to think about how you'd be feeling just right about now. this place is so amazing and is almost as exciting as how you've described. i wish i can hold you again. because the angels here are not like you and i. i remember crying badly infront of you, and i did not stop because you were worthed more. i could not give you the right things, making mistakes everywhere. vv said "If I've been crying around you, then something must be wrong." I think it is true, that i am comfortable enough to cry, and if i dont stop, it might be because the trust had gone too far than what we'd initially agreed on. it was so much that it didnt match up, all was left, was to leave. i am beginning to understand that this two-person thing, requires so much more than just my attention. i need to,

hold a conversation,
be on my toes about everything,
be amiable and light-hearted in loving you,
provide a comfortable atmosphere with a tinge of spite to get thins moving

i need to be able to hold you now. because i am no longer a kid to be watched at and amused by,

i am your equal and your love now.

2011-06-20T19:29:00.003+08:00

They are leaving.

i have so many things i wanted to say but i never did because it was inappropriate. hahaha.

when you,

glare at something with such malice, you turn 500 times hotter,
but it was just a look. because you would never hurt a fly unless it was a girl.

sometimes i remember you,

and when you're engulfed in music, dressed in black, and a bad-ass hair cut,
you owned my world.

and then it stops again.
heh, i wish you well. but you are not the kind to dwell with the likes of me ever again.

and there was you.

whom we've hurt each other so much, its not even possible to feel apologetic anymore,
i liked when your hair came down the side of your face,
you, engrossed in your actions, always wore such a gentle appearance.

i understood your love and mine,
so it was never a problem to stay next to you all the time.

you made sure everybody smiled before you did,
and you'd never let a girl cry.

you were the silent number one in everything,
a perfection i craved to provide myself, yet i always ended up needing you more than anything else.

Its been one year. and you have made my life so colourful, i love you, and i will never regret saying that because i know you understand my love more than anything else we've seen.
you're number one.

and i'll see you again soon.

this is a goodbye to them which i happen to hang out with too much for my age,
and there were milosluts and adorable characters, scoldy scoldy people and smiley ones,
byebye, you guys are so miss-able.

omg imma have to give up my milosluts. ):

2011-06-11T17:18:00.002+08:00

Dear Angel,

it was like a roller coaster ride.

and i didn't mind dying anyway. i've given all my love at any one time,

loved
lived
smiled
cried

dear angel,

i will be waiting on the other side.

i still didn't want to go under the wheel though.. disgusting shit. i don't mind breaking a few bones and gaining a few more scabs. but i don't want my body to crushed.

how i wish,

i could have called you again.

2011-05-29T01:13:00.002+08:00

i love it when you get angry because youre genuinely worried about me.

her skin is porcelain and eyes too clear,

if youve never loved a woman like that you were never alive to this extent.

i had slung two pro-cameras across my shoulders, but i swore i will never take one shot of her.

so i could stick close and do nothing but watch, because, if im close too to you, you will never get in the picture right? ;)

dear angel,

i was always like that. happy next hellos,

the words stream out naturally, but it is hard to keep an atmosphere when this woman is not ordinary at all.

i.. just wanted to show off how cool i am now. black-dress-dr-mart-heels-two-pro-cameras-main-photographer-running-around-the-president-with-make-up-on-from-art-school. im damn cool right? (: i love you!

i had fun, but in the end, these are the women who best control my life

im a mess.

and it was fun while it lasted.

i'll make good stuff of you.

i swear.
and you know i keep my promises.

2011-05-24T03:39:00.002+08:00

gonna give all my secrets away.

i wish you knew what i thought of
you,
my love,
everyone,

i thought

and i felt

that love should be so big. so painful,
yet, whenever i see you, i feel happy and i remember all these little habits you had,
the drama, this touch, proximity, and how we play,
they are real, and i never knew love was so big, but the toxins for almost consecutive nights could contribute to our boiling pot of distractions, i love you, you, you, you, and you,

i wish no one had to leave,
but i dont mind because
when you come back, know that i will love you everyday.
because falling in love with you was so easy,
i could do it everyday.

2011-05-05T23:51:00.003+08:00

dear angel,

i waited for you today by the door. you said something ambiguous and i waited.

i hated it.

i never liked waiting for you.

i think you should wait for me.

i hate being ridiculed and having to endure it just because i am waiting.

i hate that you'd say you never asked me to wait.

fucking low EQ moment.

i hate you

i hate you.

2011-05-02T08:11:00.003+08:00

dear angel,

these words come too naturally.

i egg things on. because we're running out of time, we are. i hope you never leave, because i've never found anyone like you. its too trivial to give us up on. Fuck my life, it doesnt even concern me! why do you put me in the same context, when i dont even get enough love for that kind of treatment.

i dont understand whot im doing anymore. i just know that i think its not worth it. you can stay here, you can be with me. and i am a little bit selfish.

:(, do what you want. i'll just be angry if you leave.

dear angel,

im underrated.

why?

,c.

dear angel,

i want to see you.

i'm coming soon.

,c.

2011-04-18T05:48:00.002+08:00

hi baby,

i've missed you. maybe i'll come to see you soon.

"what have you done to me?"

and i still love you.

zaza says, i can choose a different future.
i dont know if i want to.

dear angel,

i want to be by your side again. these people are no good. i want you.

,c.

2011-04-12T04:52:00.000+08:00

Dear angel,

7/4/10 2:04am

words are not enough to tell you how i am, how i have been. for you who have not seen me,-

there are so many things i want to say to you.. sometimes, i feel this tall, yet whenever i am with you i am never tall enough.

Fly,
you said you would with me.

if you are the sun,
i can tell you i smile like that Everyday.

when the stars would not shine/ the vermillon lamps would not glow, i’ll make sure i find you, anywhere, anytime.

i can jump run love because we are Alive, sowhynot. ? ;)

i would find your beauty in the smallest of things, the quietest of places, the most reminscent of lights.

i’d bring you there myself.

the chapels would chime for you, them bellless structures sway, to your liveliness, i prayed.

and it would not fall. never fall.

the bluest, deftest currents, they would never defy you.

these silent companions, birds of slight steel, the smile only for i smile for you,

this vastness of hiding places, where do i begin looking for you?

somedays, i dont even need to try, somedays, you’re always here with me.

like you’d never dared,- i’d move you
anyhow.

you will never get me to come down again. i’ll pull you up.

see, i told you i was King. :)

these are the stars i collected for you.

them smiliest of days, one should always enjoy some dessert. hahahaha.

would you not know my frozen in time? it does never mean the past, but angel, just how priceless you are.

you shall never know that i love you.

that sometimes i’do the things i’ve never done with you/ for you. because i never told you i owed you that much. :D

when i am not here, would think for me?

this smile was for you. just as the bus was stopped just for me.

i’d have my upper hand, and i’d do my life just fine. but if i smile like that, will you come see my little show?

i’d climb up again. higher, and further than all of them. im sure you ’ll see me at the top, no?

one fine day,i can show you jus how much i really care.

YOU SHINE BRIGHTER! I SWEAR! :D hahahaha

even if it was impossible. i’d do it anyhow.

world only stops.
to pick you up again.

im qualified because i have a halo. see? :)

there are many things you’d think of me, and this means i take them all in my stride.

what shall itell you of new hopes and better days? i cant, you’d have to believe it yourself! ;D

i’ll wait for you. and my world will pick you up again.

2011-03-31T06:31:00.002+08:00

I really did think.
like really! i swear! and wtf,
i am very angry with myself, because, its always the wrong thing to do, the wrong person to love, the wrong time spent,

i swear i really did think. and i really did please you
and you are happy right? why am i angry?
you dont. you never do appreciate me! i ask you to go off and rest! go! fuck off! what the fuck are you doing here! i spent so much time and effort and thought to get you better and wtf is this! i dont want you to do this. i dont even want you around me now. get lost. fuck dog bite my feeding hand and licked another that hurt you first.

im damn angry. im damn unappreciated, i really really hate it. you dont. you dont apologise because now i finally understand that you dont fucking understand me. why are youdoing this. i cannot tear myself away from this situation. similar, and then another one happened and he sai no time and its my fault because of breakfast.

why do you torture yourself so that i torture myself more. indirectly. because whatever i do for you you hurt me, and i hurt you and you hurt me more and i hurt myself then, indirectly.

i thought i found myself here.

and then i found you in everyone, everything, everything we did, we did together, and i could never let you leave my mind,,,,
and its going now...
i wished never to have these frustration anymore. yet you're here again. this insufferable unappreciatedness, characteristic.

dont leave, baby. i may scream in the very occasion, but i will love you anyway. it hurts like a bitch. thanks for fuck.

2011-03-23T02:23:00.003+08:00

do not need your sarcasm to feel bad everyday.

i want to protect so many people and shite, im doing it again.
balance their sorrows, and carry worlds as i go.

i wish you will be nicer.
--------

how do i explain,

you

make me happy

and your smile

is ten times brighter and more precious than that of my angels'

but i cannot make you happy, and that despairs me.

you make me smile like no one else can.

surprise me, everyday.

2011-03-10T18:04:00.001+08:00

DON'T DIE DON'T DIE, CB DON'T DIE DON'T DIE DON'T DIE DON'T DIE DON'T DIE DON'T DIE DON'T DIE DON'T DIE DON'T DIE FUCKKKKKK DON'T DIEEEEE!!!

2011-03-07T06:40:00.002+08:00

dont repeat those words, so new to you,

fucking old to me.

i dont want to hear them again, i dont want to know their existence,

you make me want to cry,

because it does not help anybody.
it is a destroyer,
it crushes and i will crush it. i will bulldoze it,

i can and i will prove to you i am so much better a person and position in your shoes,
i am so much better than YOU!!

i DONT need to resort to this, i DONT need to crush and step on people to get to where i am.
YOU SUCK because you cant do it better than me.

it was like the end of the world,
a total disappointment,

and then i thought,

i can be btter than you.
and i will show you now.

my zaza will rise again, bigger than me.
we will show you we can do so much better than you cant handle already.
we are so much better people than you.
even if we are useless and irrelevant, silent and desperate,
at least we help people, and not crush them.

dont leave now, the show is no tover, it is just the beginning.
zaza is coming back.... ;)

2011-03-06T22:35:00.002+08:00

you may be the keeper of my heart but remember, i am still The Source of All EVIL!!!

you're beautiful in your way, you were born this way!!! :D!!!!!!

and because i wish i can say that for myself too... we are alike, and while i still love them, i still love you.

power is hotness max. >:]

2011-03-05T23:47:00.003+08:00

we are attached to certain objects, patterns, motifs, haircuts even, to remind us of our sins, our debts, things waiting to be done.. today i bought an angel pencil without hesitation. and it is in the least of reflections nowadays, a reflex-action, more likely. my heart does not jump for you anymore. but it is our dream, still, our duty, still, our lives do revolve around you.

guard my everyday, and remind me why i am myself today,
angel,
things will never change in many months now, years now,
guard my heart today.

dreaden locks that bear us down, cuffed wrists and heavy shoulders, darked eyes and pale expressions,

do you Know what we Know? are you Obliged as we are Obliged?
i will only bow
to none other than
you,

c.

2011-03-01T00:49:00.001+08:00

2011-02-28T03:30:00.002+08:00

zaza.. i cant go back. i cant, how...

my brilliant plan, and what i thought i could do, i cant anymore. i dont know.. how..

i had said i would come back in a beeter way, a better person, a pool of smarts undefeatable, but so what, i cant get in anyway.
why do i keep pitting myself against the system. you run it.
i wish it was simpler, to come back a director, and an awesome one at that. that would pwn but i am not.

i can be an awesome multtask ultra smart super-guidance, 100-times-better-than-you teacher, but i can ggo there now. i cant go. its just 4 more years. i can do this. zaza is finishing his lap, i must. i must finish the four years and be pwn material.

i pwn nowadays anyway.

i hate how people think i am too young and inexperienced, but it is the truth that i pwn you and you can ask me to teach you and i will be zai at teaching, but no, im too young. i cant teach you how to pwn at drawing the way i triple pwn everybody. just because you think its the maturity level. i feel like slapping you sometimes. a concept is not meant to determine maturity level, you might not even be there anyway, it is meant to highlight and revel in a perspective. not everybody need take the same meaning off a work. you will never understand people like haziyah if you continue to be so narrow.

i swear i was brought up in the most perfect way. baby i was born this way. lol

______________________________________________________________

could you love a person forever, even if she hates you deeply for the rest of her life? because that is the kind of the person we are, and you are not worthy of our tears.

a person who would trade a friend for convenience, you are not worthy of our heart.

a person who would erase an existence, step on hearts to get to where you are, a person who would ruin a career for mere desire, a person who would not recognise, could not recognise, is unable to realise devoutly true care, perfect friends, pure love,

person, why do we love you..

why do we caress our inexistence, to bring you only the best?

do you know how to care for a person? when she's sick?
flowers, gifts, card, groceries, milo, fruits, chicken soup, wet towels, jacket, and attention.
what about a date? a back up plan, an extra poncho, food, drinks, entertainment, topics.

it is not mandatory but we do it anyway. there is no reason, it is just because you are here. and i take care of my people. you will never come to understand such a responsibility. it is a perfect care, it is a sorrowful care.

we will still be here now. even if you never look back again.

i am just happy to have you.

___________________________________________________________________

i walked up to the wall of random works and i picked out exactly the six that belonged to you. it was no coincidence, nor did i cheat and know beforehand which were by who, i picked the six because i know you. i picked exactly you from the crowded wall of monotonous prints, fluidly thin lines and jerky shadows from your left hand, a mix of wit and horror in a design and minimal colours, because you love gore suspense and a good madhouse plot, a fine eye for graphics, and cheeky smirk hailed form a darked past. you might never know who i am the way i do, you, but in the same way she will never know you the way i do, you, nor do you, her.

i fail at making people understand where i come from, and what i know of you. i plainly just Know You. I Know Right.

isit not obvious who you should love, but it is because i am not predictable enough and it scares you how deep i understand your character, you should never walk this way again.

and there goes another thing i am mad with,

i love you.

2011-02-22T04:21:00.002+08:00

you dont understand.

you've never had to hang on, clenched so tightly you dont even recognise letting go anymore.

you will hurt us, your blunt words, your inaction,

your precious decay,

is innocence to us.

we love you, but i love him, and we would not mind being hurt for your whiteness, but i do mind him being hurt.

we look to Those People.

Shining and Bright.and it is the kind where we are not hurt,

and the self-pity is beyond infinity,

that we dont feel such extreme twisted pain,

and all we can do is latch on, you cannot leave. you must not leave.

and pull the pierced spike deeper into self, just
to,
get
a, little
clos-e-r.
or we will die. we will die.

2011-02-20T07:06:00.002+08:00

周杰伦 - 借口

翻着我们的照片想念若隐若现
去年的冬天我们笑得很甜
看着你哭泣的脸对着我说再见
来不及听见你已走得很远

也许你已经放弃我
也许已经很难回头
我知道是自己错过
请再给我一个理由说你不爱我

就算是我不懂
能不能原谅我
请不要把分手当作你的请求
我知道坚持要走是你受伤的借口
请你回头
我会陪你一直走到最后
就算没有结果
我也能够承受
我知道你的痛
是我给的承诺
你说给过我纵容
沉默是因为包容
如果要走请你记得我

翻着我们的照片
想念若隐若现
去年的冬天
我们笑得很甜
看着你哭泣的脸
对着我说再见
来不及听见
你已走得很远
也许你已经放弃我
也许已经很难回头
我知道是自己错过
请再给我一个理由说你不爱我

就算是我不懂
能不能原谅我
请不要把分手当作你的请求
我知道坚持要走是你受伤的借口
请你回头
我会陪你一直走到最后
就算没有结果
我也能够承受
我知道你的痛
是我给的承诺
你说给过我纵容
沉默是因为包容
如果要走请你记得我
如果难过请你忘了我

2011-02-11T01:28:00.002+08:00

do we do with du-alities?

dear angel,

but i am not really talking to you,

your follies,

i dont agree so,

do i consider your simple friendship,
or do i call my odd, and you, not deep enough to run a river?

am i really so clueless about love and friendship, life and experience,

or are you just not capable, not knowing of, not bothered to
this depth?

have i thought too far, too long, too hard, and too fixated,

or are you just not far enough,

friend.

we can never really go so far, because, even if youre not capable so,
youre not willing to let me do what i do anyway.
so far, so deep, so fixated,

your words hurt,
and i know of it. so dont hurt my golden boy anymore,
it is not him that is too narrow, and too difficult,
youre just too flat to understand it.

2011-02-07T01:46:00.002+08:00

i never wanted you to leave..

dont
stare me down with those eyes
because i know it is not me

you are not my bane,
you will never bring me down again.
these cuffs are not yours, and you are not the cause for them,

but i love you
and i will never admit that
that you will never mean less than dirt and more than reverence,

child,
your heart is weighted by my gold,
coal.

2011-02-04T00:02:00.002+08:00

i keep thinking,
and i want you to be happy,

but i cant help being miserable at my fail-ness.

it has nothing to do with them,

just, i begin to realise,
i was never,
i have never been,
and i did not ever grow to be
anything remotely close to what these people want.

did you ever stop to think,
i am not the one you want,
and what it means really?

we try to say, youre totally different,
and even
you know when you get to know people too well, everyone is a totally different person.

did i really grow out to be so beautifully deviated, and why?
zaza says
the ppl that i've lost. the things that i've learned. i wouldn't be the same without them

im.. not so appreciative anymore.

i just want,
a weight to match mine,
cuffs that hang on my thin jointed wrists, you remind me of what i am prisoned of.
beastman and child,
lead me away now, i will only have your weight for company.

2011-01-27T05:34:00.002+08:00

To fuel what we came for.

such a vicious cycle,

name.

your callousness,

what would you do today?

i begin to recede from the superficial.

would you understand how i would try to help you?

because the skies dont fathom so,

this gust too cold to leave us hanging,

i would take you now.

i would take you tonight.

_________________________________________________________________

when world dost agree what i couldnt have defended better,

i have fallen prey to sarcasm and irony.

dont be silly, what youve done,

is worth so
much

more.

2011-01-17T00:38:00.002+08:00

hurt.

us kind never fail to hurt. the people around us.

we bear spikes on our backs, flex.

what eats in us manifests on what we cant protect.

dont cry,

we will die again. again and again. until

until.. the navy skies fail to swallow, the thirteenth sign

unacceptable,

and they fail, major fail, since when do we hurt
that extent.

We were never very helpful, yes?
never so much a star in your eye,
i could never.. do so much

dont leave. even if i am like that,

please dont leave me.

2011-01-04T06:29:00.002+08:00

i drew my knife...

and i almost hurt again...

i think i could be better. i think...

these soft hearts spaces, slowly fill with breathtaking moments,
adrenaline and sugar rush, metalmouth and pretty eyes,
i wanna be better..

2011-01-02T04:12:00.002+08:00

Tonight.

We will find a new life with the people that love us enough to stay together,

for a symbolic one night.

i pick my people now, and they all hurt somewhere..

I will not leave you alone, and i will watch you fall asleep dry,

with me, you shall never cry into the dreaming again. i want to do this much.

I will not let you walk away,

climb into bed with me, for cowardice is expellable

you will be stronger from now on.

the difference is in that we are so different, and yet we can find us all a way to stay comfortable next to each other.

That, and comfort, is our strongest quality. i will never leave you now, hearts.

2010-12-25T02:08:00.002+08:00

We were never good at this,

every year we try the same numbers,

i think it would work i think it would work i think it would work

you have never been to this low before,- it is not your human low.

meeting me was your best chance.

i change the worlds ive been in,
the material less surfaceal,
the deep, to unthinkable bases

and to date i have stopped trying to juggle them.
i hurt and move and we can never change that can we?
treading finely, is unnecessary sorrow.

you dont believe it
you dont believe that there is something more that you dont know.

and alas,
i have to leave you,
and i have to sigh
and say
i love you but i must leave because you dont understand,
youre just not that person
you just dont

know....

i cant tell you, i cant explain
i cant spoil this youth
when i know that there are billions that can live their whole lives without knowing an evil, i think you should cherish your ignorance, because an innocence, is the same thing.

2010-12-24T03:55:00.002+08:00

i dont have the confidence to move on from here.

zaza.

i know i have zaza. i dont want to let go.

my darkness will

implode,

it will die. it will wilt. it will why...

you dont know what you want, and it is the least of my worries, but i am quite angry now and i need a distraction. so you are fucking indecisive and i dont like you more and more everyday cannnnnn??? and i dont like that.. youre supposed to be light. youre supposed to be an idol..

implode.

not like pretty katy perry fireworks.. like illuminati anti-matter implode..

2010-12-18T18:13:00.001+08:00

he is to hold all my darkness.

and we can be silent forever.

you will never know the truth, and never know the real face of the world,

for its darkness that we hold, will die with us

and you, privileged,

die white as always,

is our creation, our gift into the next world.

2010-12-05T16:42:00.003+08:00

these 4 guys are every girl's saviour. for every breakup, for everyday we are down, these legends will pull me back on my feet again. its a legacy!!! lolololol whoooooo

zomg sweaty tuxes and epic coattails. wheehee. AND THE HAIR HAHHAHAHAHA. I LOVE YOUUUU!!!!!

2010-12-04T23:40:00.001+08:00

i am so scared. i am so scared it would happen again. i dont know what to do. what am i to do? what to do? how. i dont know. i dont know how. i dont know. i havent solved anything yet, and eveyrthing is so off. so off, i dont know. i dont know okayyyy. i want to cry. dont do that. i want to cryyy.

whyyy. i dont understand. i dont get it. why me, why us, same questions. no answers. maybe its the air. i dont know. why is it like that. why is it like that for me. again and again and again, i dont know what to do. i dont know what else to do anymore. angel...

help me....

but you are not here anyway. and you will not help anyway...

i cant take this. i dont understand. is it me? but why? how? i dont knowwwwwww.

got so many things to do.. and i cant stop now. i cant take my leave. i cant do anything. i dont understand. i cant move now....

you dont understand the helplessness. you dont understand what a silent plea is. you dont nderstad what crying in the night means. you dont understand what it means to have nowhere to turn, to be silence beyond hope. what hope? you dont understand what i dontknow means. you have never sunk so low. you never never been here before. why do you step on others to get to where you are. why do you put me in this position you have never been to. you dont know, dont say ou know. dont say youhave grown. dont say you are better, you are the worst.

2010-12-03T23:42:00.002+08:00

we've hurt too many people here,
i turn to my silent friend who gives a knowing nod. he flies away.

i didnt mean to but i was a spoilt brat anyways.
i didnt like that you bitched about me but i bitched about you too.
and now i am fking scared you are angry.

i was ripped.
i hurt too many people somehow.
and thr was the whole FHM saga. i hate this. ah screw.

2010-11-29T04:21:00.002+08:00

i am so sick of this place. and it is mainly because of you. stop being anal. i dont give fuck what you think and your beliefs. they suck altogether, even if you say you want to drag free from them imposed, face it, you are already way too narrow to move down now. just live in clouds, dont come down anymore, you holy people, just live holily and leave s alone. dont fucking condemn us just because youre too holy. thats your pasar. this week is going to suck baaadddddddddddd D:

2010-11-25T08:33:00.003+08:00

dear angel,

is being selfish too much?

i realise that people often think i have ulterior motives,

its the air. the air of the disturbed, dirtied, despised.

you owe me an apology.

well at the same time, i am loving myself more. i should stop hurting people. stop hurting in the process.

the air of the untouched. pure, feign ignorance, spite and boil accuse.you child.

take some time off me.

and leave, once in awhile.

dont get hurt again. never be touched again.

2010-11-18T06:05:00.002+08:00

dear angel,

helvetica, lol.

what're you up to these days? mending brokenhearts... and i am sorry to bother you, ha.. clean up after my mess, such a dirty job,

and you make me learn stuff in the process,

i will never stop loving you,

pretty eyes and turqoise glitter,

will i ever stop loving my other companions too?

sch beautiful people, such beautiful people around us but we are so unresolved yet.

touch. rough sideburn, wet neck, clothed arm,

touch.

, angel

2010-11-14T01:16:00.003+08:00

what do i remember of intoxication,

carressing your rough sideburn, wet neck, clothed arm,
and repulsed in gaze of your attempting grin,

under flashing lights, and your hands over me, i was swept in an attempt,
i leant forward and-
glad you were THAT bit sober.. tsk.

whats with you and your fragmented actions, words, thoughts, moves,
i can humour you for one year, and it would be your happiest,

and where do go from that?
one day, you might find you love me, and i might have already died in the process.

grown man, you dont know what you want,
and welll i am glad for those who offered to protect me, to dance with me,
but no thanks, i can do this coz my beastman is harmless, my beastman is too tame.

2010-11-08T20:20:00.002+08:00

a man who cant stand discomfort.

well, if yer broke a girl's heart, you broke a girl's heart.

do you never know age,
and digressed,

beastman,

how do you fare this summer?

2010-11-04T09:02:00.002+08:00

hahahaahaha. (:

i understand now.
anyways

2010-11-02T05:01:00.002+08:00

Shian i miss you.

such busy people, and so much for making it up to each other,
in the end, this progressively linear companionship, will have its high points past,
and low points progressing.

i missed having a friend next to me.
and he was genuine in everything he did, even if it was doing nothing at all..
"were you only tender because you knew i was hurt before?" such a defacing question
and answers that i could never comprehend.
for once i felt like i was a child, an A.I., blank to such a notion i can only gape that
i.. dont, understand.

koi is a together thing.
dont make time for me because time is precious.

men like that?
i've never seen one before.

2010-10-29T21:36:00.002+08:00

to leave and never turn back,
you're the kind that smiles when you walk and never meet others' eyes.
leave

you had never known,
never managed to meet my gaze long enough
because im too hard to read.
and the intimacy is never awkward, which was way more awkward

you will never know me long enough.
and stop staring me in the eye
in the end.
i've stopped challenging your will too.

"ahh so complicated.." i heard you sigh once.
and im prolly too bitter now. go

2010-10-28T22:24:00.002+08:00

i always wish for them to turn back and love me once again, but i tell others that these people will never,
and its about time i start believing in it too. ):

there was once an angel boy who failed to love because he turned back, and he did, he turned back,
and he never had
he never had the courage to love me.

tsk. why does this happen.

ahh, i guess the only consolation is that i know im not cheap; jumping from one to the next.. not much consolation. lol.

i was laughing so merrily and that thought resurfaced again since the last week or two. i love him and im not supposed to. and i feel bad now cuz im not moving. tsk. im so irritated with myself. so spoilt. like, i know got so many bunnies, but i want THIS ONE. i want this bunny! >:( i want it nao. idc. >:( hate myself.
wonna shoot you.

tsk
such holy people.
pats heads and leaves.

2010-10-22T17:54:00.001+08:00

Dear angel,

i really need you tonight.

,c.

2010-10-20T02:52:00.004+08:00

TSK! LIKE PRESS PRESS PRESS NO SIGNAL WAN!

phone lit up and i jumped, but its coz my batt's fully charged.

radar turn off, traffic light turn off. i feel so stupid glowing orange for the longest time. so stupid so stupid.

so emo so emo. sigh im usually not like that okayyy.

anyways, i bought dr martens heels.

i was damn excited just now, but now im just emo. tsk.

well basically, it goes with all my dresses and im damn happy.
okay i do not sound happy but yea.
tsk. i wanted to dress up for someone okayy.
tsk.
im so irritated now.
im usually not like this!but somehow its like intense this time round. ahhh.

2010-10-15T03:53:00.002+08:00

i've got brass knuckles hanging from my neck and my chain.

dont need those, we've got wing chun. HOHOHO. awesome right, somehow, its aways a little late, but it never fails. never. whether its bunnies in war, or ipman spoofs, really bad animations, really good spoofs, awesome songs, somehow i am spiralling spiralling, im so caught up in this happiness. hahaha all i could think was that i love you so much and how i wish you were mine. lololololol sucks right. meh. we shall enjoy this ride while it lasts yea? u awesome bunny.

on the other hand, apart from these happy distractions, im so sucky. uh. whyd i let it happen again. and THEM those girls they think they're so experienced and stuff. its not fair. so blessed girls. wish i cld tell them to fuck off and mind their own business for their own good, but. u know they think they are better, and yes, they are better at being girls, so young.:/

when the spikes come on, there's no room for sympathy. none for you none for me, its called: fuck it.
let them feelings and reserves crawl back to the hole they came from. im sorry, i do love you, but if i do let feelings flow, it might just overflow.

lololololol i just rmb vian said that if i kept my screams in my heart, im gonna wake up the next morning with a big bruise on my chest because of all the muscle strain! (: see why i love her. (:

mm. even though i love so much, i still need to screw those people tmr. :/ look forward to koi and ipman. (((:

2010-10-12T05:56:00.002+08:00

i wish i cld just randomly open the door to some hearts and make myself comfortable there. :/

why do feelings have to be so difficult.. its not logical at all.. whots the rationale for this major bummed-ness! tsk! it doesnt make sense! tsk!

not willing to let go yet

2010-10-08T21:45:00.002+08:00

something about signs..
and the attempt to understand the masculine mind..
i thought i'd just watch to see where this'd take me, but im in too deep,
and i never expected to be swept away so intense

how do i do this,
how do i tell you im crazy for you,

whot in the world is going on???
hahaha we'll see where this ride takes us.

2010-10-05T13:39:00.002+08:00

im so confused.
as in, no, it is not confusing.
i know what i am now.

but the feelings are so overwhelming, i cant ignore nor step back.
im in the drama, i am the drama,
but like whot do i do now, unable to step back and watch anymore,
and the immense, immense,
Wanting,

its only been so short, but the wanting and pining makes it feel like i've wanted you for ages.
its not like anything before..
im so new to this intensity..

im so weird now. im so weird now..

2010-10-04T03:29:00.002+08:00

i spent all my life waiting for things that never came,
they were supposed to come.
supposed to i thought

did you ever grow up, and expect. expect,
what,

big dreams and perfect smiles.

its like youre within my reach, but i cant touch
because i just cant touch.
i just cant touch anything.
its not possible.

cold sweat,
drains blood.
much that i cant feel
that you arent here with me anymore.

soft stubble by the ear, deceptive to the touch
astonishment so amusing i couldnt contain my gasp,
i look at you with soft eyes i turn melancholic when i find
this vibe off
and your fidget
baby goodbye
goodbye, you never came.

2010-09-28T04:25:00.002+08:00

sometimes, yuanfen not so zhijie.

zomg, sometimes yuanfen not so zhijie. zomgzomgzomg

wondermentness. yuanfen not zhijie, like how many times liaooooo???!

:OOOO <3 and it goes faster and faster and faster,
and I'M
Going.
CRAZY, love.

2010-09-26T23:00:00.002+08:00

their problems seem so minute and attention attracting, i cant help but get irritated.

then how. what am i supposed to do. these kinds of small thinngs also must ask me pull you out.. im not gonna do it forever. i dont love you. i barely do.

when i cried, i only did it once. and i made sure i stand on my own again.

maybe they are not me, so they do not understand how important it is to be able to stand strong alone.
which reminds me i need to learn to use my knife.. :/
it seems appropriate for throwing.. but inconvenient leh.. but the catch is too stiff to do the switchblade thing. :/

SIGH. I HATE IT WHEN I NEVER UNDERSTAND BECAUSE IM NOT THERE YET. and i need to find out what doesnt really belong in this category, and figure it out, not sweep it aside like that. :/ im not happy. not happy now, unsatisfied. i need some ground. some thinking ground.

2010-09-24T18:46:00.002+08:00

zomg 3rd week into ADM and im in party mode. lololololol this life is awesome, BUT IT CANT CONTINUE!!! i overslept for two lessons consecutively and the powerdrink-spamming is very ex you know. but yea. its damn fun, and im now bizmag for ADMSC. :D damn fun please. welll my motto is to own the stage. isnt it? uhh it isnt, but yea, its good advice. :D:D should i koi now? my tuition kid rescheduled me coz i rescheduled her.

ZOMG nic was fking drunk so he dragged GAGA into the photog party, YEAAAAAA. they said OPEN UP and XoX, was out in a matter of seconds. awesomest school in the world. but yea, it cant it cant continue, cuz ITS CRUNCH TIME!!! SUBMISSIONS NEXT WEEK, PSLE AND EOY IN TWO WEEKS!! MARATHON TUITION OTW. IM RETURNING TO AMK EVERYNIGHT I TELL YOU, AND ADM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!i fking have 3 students noowwww?!?!?! wthwthwthwthh. and bizmag, omg bizmag. we r doing MAF eh? and exam welfare package. and other student club initiation stuff. imma die of liver failure kudos to naughty g. LOLOLOLOLOL. i wanna get sponsorship for that. reallyyyyyy!

mmmmm....
i wont understand till i get there.. :/ maybe its not meant to be. and thanks to my cowardliness, i never dared to step out of my comfort zone. i should, shouldnt i? mmm....

2010-09-23T18:32:00.002+08:00

WOW,
such a feeling

when it was over and i collapsed onto a chair,
an overdue message and all i could think was,

Wow. i must be so lucky. i must be so blessed. Wow.

and really all i wanted to do was to hug you.

2010-09-19T22:48:00.003+08:00

in the end, i am still missin gyour part.

such wonderful people and happy times, and in the end, im so fatigued,
where are you my angel,
so unsettling, i cant even draw properly, i keep thinking the paper is too furry, or my pencil is too blunt, or the light is too glaring, and maybe yes, but its all under my skin, where are you

where are you where are you,
i dont wan to talk to other people, they are just irritating, where are you talk to me,
even though i never follow your advice, even though you piss me off sometimes,
where are you, its just different,
so different here. so different here when there is no you at all. ):

where do i go from here, my heart is all alone now..

2010-09-19T12:22:00.003+08:00

i dont want your protection out of pity, i mused, looking out my window. i'd only take it for love.

when i say you dont understand, you really dont.
sure its only human to sympathise
yea, that makes you human, but what does that make me?
like some animal in captivity, you dont understand, its just a way of life
you dont understand, and i cant explain it to you because it doesnt exist in your world.

i recall a separate incident when they were explaining to me what stalking was,
and i was staring at them older people with the most perplexed expression,
and what went through my mind was,
are you sure you know what stalking is...
it doesnt exist in their miniscule worlds, it doesnt exist,
and i was crushed, they are so lucky.
such envy..

i need to step out of self-pity. need to, coz it already sounds horrible. and its not like im not conscious, whot the hell am i doing. *pats your head and leaves* i am an enigma to myself yet.

2010-09-18T22:44:00.004+08:00

550D FTW.

i got it i got it i got it i got ittt whooooooooooooooooo~

mm.. energy gone in a few hours.. sigh. this is taking a toll on my body, but yea, i went in the shop and didnt dare to move, coz it was damn crowded and everybody damn pro. lololololol. just stand there listen nod and feel awkward. hahahaha. damn nervous pls!

anw, so breakaway fr plato for today. altho i did find the answers for western art history presentation alr.. i went to take some pics after that. was kinda scared at first, COS ITS FREAKING THOUSAND OVR $$?! yea but after awile got used to it. shian taught me some basics. yea. went with the expert. :D

2010-09-15T22:24:00.002+08:00

am wondering if i shd open the next can of caffeine,
but i think that d be too much on my body... how should i do this..

this bad. im not here. and its taxing to be working and not be at that space.
or is it taxing, so that im not here.

comfort. a tad comforting. the touch...

and then another sense of loss,
and actually all i want is your presence.

security. lol. yea run for that. just that.

2010-09-11T00:39:00.002+08:00

ahh well..

gotta remember that rich in memory thingy..

:))) quite fail quite fail.. quite only.

lol @zhongwei language, 4d was darn interesting and confusing.

I THINK! I CAN SMELL A DSLR NEARRRRR. HOHOHOHOHO EXCITEDNESS!

eh eheh! cannot like that, wait i wanna drag u everywhere how. muz chillax.

dslr hohoho! dancing like a monkey in my head.. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm tryna chillax and take on year 1 coolly nao~ yea, wait till i get ta yr 4 rite.. T__T long way ta go. looong way...

2010-09-11T00:25:00.002+08:00

two backs, two faces,-
well, does that make four?

a lot of confusion and we never really say what we want to,
this inanimate wooden block we speak to,
its not that good huh...

you amazing, you.
what do you think now, speak into my ear,
i will comfort your doubts, and never never look away cuz,
i am just right here. just right here.

i wanna share with you the things ive learnt,
and stuff i think you might be interested in, but
like.. dont feel like it now, this speech.. hast gone abit far no?

i promise i will come back smarter, wiser, and a lot more considerate.
today i just want to go away and learn.
wind,

2010-09-09T01:03:00.002+08:00

hahaha

do you know an earnest smile when you see one.. :D

um and well, there are lots of things different in real life.

AND YOUKNOWWHUT, this is a macbook pro15" LOLOLOLOLOL INYRFACE. <3

cui-ness... eeyer i feel so dumb. will nvr understand it until i get thr. :/ dun like this.

uhh, i was happy ytd.. today is cui-ness.. im so tired.. dun wanna think abt homework. like dunno whr to start one.. D:!

ahahaha.. knife. so cool. like out of nowhere.. thot he was going to produce some lame receipt or whut. hehhehe. :)))

*STAB* HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH *STABSTABSTABSTABSTABBBB*

socoolsocoolsocool. im too tired to say anything else.

i cut myself. LOLOOLOLOLLLL fail... folding the knife and got cut.. oei BATTLE SCARS OKAYY! >:D LOLOLOLOL

2010-09-05T20:34:00.002+08:00

what is this jitter,

the irate snarl at every little thing,

them crooked sparrows and wild thorns with messy hair,

what is it that pecks at my heart,

anger so daft you cant hear me beyond the clawing.

i didnt mean to be so strong,

i didnt mean to cut with words,

i just... want a little help.

2010-09-05T14:32:00.002+08:00

ugh ego.

disgust happens when two egos collide.
yours sprouting tall from head up, struting like a peacock in mate,
high and dignified, i see you’ve found your confidence now.
such intelligence unmatched, i love you.
mine looming like a low yet vast storm cloud, fogs so thick they’re impenetrable.
all-knowing and unforgiving, i think you’re too immature.

yea and well, in the end i still love you, so it doesnt really matter if our ideals clash and stuff. at least it doesnt clash that badly, like - BASTARD, THEY RE OUT TO MONOPOLISE AND DESTROY HUMANITY BLABLABLA. lolololol.
:) i think you re so cool, and well, just do whut you do best babe.

in the end, there are things we should have never defined,
happiness, laughter, joy, good music, stress, fears,

emotions, and love. one day may we come to conclude with less animosity.

2010-09-05T01:46:00.002+08:00

need a pick-me-up? GLEE.

zomg fr gaga onwards was DOPE.
they ring in my ears, like happiness buzzing in my brain.
it dope but better, its smoke and better
sigh, always got myself in the dumps every nao and then,
they always never fail to screw me upside down.
yea, talk about that manz. its her. its definitely her. lol.
LIKE SERIOUSLY ON THE BEST OF DAYS SHE JUST HAS TO PULL THE CRUDEST STUNTS
that really make me feel like slapping her, like, so bitchy,
like for example,
sorry to ruin your day, but blahblahblahblahblah*SLAPSMEHARD*
DARE TELL ME THAT NEVER HAPPENED.. D: hurts to think about it,
like whot am i doing to the supposed Best Days of my life. like whot the hell am i doing to my life roite. just waiting to get screwed..
sigh. dun mean to be mean, but i dont want this anymore.
if you cant take happiness when it slaps you in the face, then pls help yourself and waste yr life away, dun drag me down, im trying to pick us up. dun tear it off, im the only one putting in any effort. someone needs ta tell you to back off of my life like kurt’s dad did ta finn in ep20 gaga. one thing i learnt stepping away fr this whole saga, is that you’re not always the right one. and its important to know when i am really right.

zomg glee-bitchiness, WALKWALKPASSIONBABY, WATCH IT IMMA FREAK-BITCH BAYBEHH!!!!
i woant tchyour love and i woant your revenge i want your love, i dont wonna be friends............................

2010-09-04T21:22:00.002+08:00

itzokay, and we’ll do this together,

i’ve yet to walk out of my hell hole, and you’re almost all out anyways,
imma be so good. imma be your best girl,
and in the end, we are all just seeking to right our own wrongs.

nothing is wrong in this,
just how much we take from others on the way, and how guilty we feel for whot we’ve taken. some wrong steps, and
anyways, we will get out somehow,
and imma be your superstar,
so bright i can see nothing else
no other light but-

and we’re to walk outta here alive.

2010-09-04T00:44:00.001+08:00

I DONT KNOW LAH

2010-09-02T00:56:00.002+08:00

didnt mean to be not zhijie, but i was concentrating rly hard.
but then
all i could do was all i could do was
shut my eyes real tight and never let a sound through.

and all i could do was to try and calm down the panic,
and it did work awhile,
iwas all, relax relax its shian..
i made a few jumps, eyes closed,
and then it started to fall apart, and i was stopped,

i guess i was only able to be proud when i was all like,
why! i wanna try until i get it right!
but maybe.. it was too much.

not so right.

wot is your fear?

2010-09-01T02:38:00.002+08:00

she took the midnght train going anywhere...

alone in an empty room for the whole day with nothing to do but cleannnnnn... i tend to talk to myself alot.

so plug in the glee
and finish it up in 3hrs of pure funnnnn!!!

srsly, dont stop believing. zomg

i cant be dead unless youre dead too,
and in a minute we were squealing about zhu houren being singapores sean connery/ian mckellen, james lye benedict goh and jay chou,

zomg zoe tay. like damn cool.

why i not so zhijie. why you not so zhijie. why this train not so zhijie, make me get off at yishun and get on the next with you. sometimes yuanfen not so zhijie. hahahaha. in the end, wotever we say, we r never that zhijie anyways. lol.

i was like wondering, what if, there really was a zhijie button.

to day,
was much better than previous years,
not so sorrowful, fatalistic,
never look back and take that leap off the edge,
jumped onto the first train, and yet,

it took me back to

heh.
i not so zhijie wan.

2010-08-31T02:30:00.002+08:00

A special kind of happy:

the crowds between dont matter,
and every word i say rings in an echo,
i can feel your smile light on my shoulders,
and all i can see all i can see is

and then there were some skin peeling off your sick chin,
not as sick as yesterday but
yes, haha

stride, stride,
i dont know how but
i was there in two steps and all i can
see was

there was some special light and it was
sparkly, such a queer
requiem
nothing dies because death is not an end
death is a new beginning.

2010-08-29T16:56:00.002+08:00

dont know what comes next,
dont know who we are,
dont know what else i can do.

i cant see stars
but i know i can see you.

SCREAM.
sigh, ntu is fking annoying and roundabout-ish. they give u the info like months ago when youregister, close the portal, so bythe time you need the info, you cant find it anywhere. so yea. no guides, no forums, no 24hr helpline, whr do i go to download notes and stufffff?! and like whr to collect keys, when to move in, when do i apply for student card, whr are my lesson venues, whot is this linklink portal forrrr. like wth rite. got street directory also cnt help me with varsity. ARGH like wtf. i dun even wanna move fr this seat nao. so irritating. i dun even know if i shd go have dinner soon or like sit and stare into space.

GO KOI. IMMA GO KOI. NAO.

2010-08-29T02:51:00.002+08:00

tonight is so cool,
everythings abit right,
and imma live for today, yet,

so many things i wanna do,
i darent and id just smile,
and this moment is mine i know.

pout. so cute i thought. pout. heh heh.
its funny coz the cuteness doesnt fit.. trololol ipman pout.

2010-08-26T02:07:00.002+08:00

psychology,

and i oohh and ahhh-ed, but really it was honest revelation.
naw it is true. i am quite scared.
and therefore am quite bitchy.
i wouldnt tell you about it because it is my responsibility,
but tchyea. i honestly dont know how to get out.
naw i’ll find a way somehow.

its not so good
not so good a feeling.