i dont have the steps.. because i dont follow steps,

but i've singled-out,

-Spray Lacquer.

pray it works.. ;)


i think it could really sell if it does work! :D

chanel is damn cool.



anways, its between the DKNY cozy or Bag or jay chou tix.

it was just jay tix.. and then i was like, since im gonna have such a large budget, why not.... etc. you know.. haha. they are steep stuff.

its ok if she cant accept them too! because i'm also buying what i like! :D:D:D:D

HAHHAHAHHAHA. that is Me for You. :)

to let off.

to let go...

is it not the same?

wont i still be hurt anyway.

i am so tired of hanging on, having to be my toes all the time..

sometimes i wish i had someone to look out for me instead.

but it is my life,
it was my promise that i'd stand up again.

but this haunting...

this haunting...

it never passes and never lets,

in the train, on the road, at my desk,

they're everywhere, they're here. theyér not fading. they will never die. and they will kill me.

i am... always happy to admit to my frail body and health. not fpr the attention as one might most likely misunderstand, but rather, its the most natural way to leave, no? and i 'd be glad to die by illness, so heavenly.. so ideal...istic.

they are horrible. horrible things. horrible things. leave.

leave.

i thought i was over the inicident, and i was,
but she just likes to continue.

she never does anything for my sake.
and what irks me is that she reasons ever so justifiedly that it is entirely for my sake and our sake,

but there are things she does not need to know,

and there is no "our".

my knowledge will destroy her

beyond what is crumbling already.

that not even their omnipotent GOD can save.


she is frail, and i am cursed.

even if you do imagine you are strong enough for my knowledge,

you are not, no one is.

the weight that will destroy any of us.

Us.

baby,

child,

you dont have to think for my sake.

we are better not knowing. not imagining.

WTF.

WTF major.

sometimes i think that i could live with someone like that. and then one fine day when i am to lunch with her, i just feel like pluck her head off like a barbiedoll.

sure she makes sense and is easy to understand from her perspective,

but when i come back to mine, i realise i am not wrong at all.

her imposing her own demands on me is driving my non-conformist temper nuts!

so i am abit crass (lian) sometimes, and childish, and not entirely sensible,

but it is me, and albeit my outer professional self needs adjustment,

i dont need talks on how i am "considered a woman at this age already"

she says,

i should not cut into peoples conversations and insist on my opinion because it is unmannerly and childish

i should speak and enunciation clearly and loudly because i sound like a kid

i should move faster because i am so slow.

sure it makes sense, but her reasons are infuriating no?
maybe she just sounds really bad to me because english is not her first language of which she gossips in, and thus she has not the full mastery of it.

and to comment on my linguistics?! it is a first. i have never been critiqued like that before.

she is so fake.

gossiping about me in her motherlanguage just less than 5 metres away,
i might not know the spoken language, but i know the the body's language and the content of her speech. well beacuse the guy then came out and picked on another small detail of the incident.

after the scolding and i've finished my "orh. orh."s and "sorry sorry"s, and he's left,
(because i left the tshirt the customer was considering about near the fitting rooms,)

i realised that i was not wrongggggg!
i was watching it the whole time what.
they leave more things over in the ladies' fitting rooms than my tshirt. plus the fitting room wasuncleared when i first put my customer in.
W.T.F. it was the first time the guy was so impulsive in correcting me.


i guess, it is hard, readjusting to a lower level of respect and acknowledgement in a new area. in time, when we are better at accomodating, we shall have a day when we are good. i am after all an enigma hard to swallow at times, too.


vulnerable. when you see when i am vulnerable, maybe.

委屈。。。
有这么容易吗

又要怎么排除，

怎么继续。。 怎么继续。。。

i fail, your grace.

yet yes, i need to

cry out the tougher times

and roughout the rest.

i miss your comforting presence.
in your light i feel like anything is possible.
i miss you. your help, your love, you.

keia.

my girl, they are not morning people.

a day of pampering and you've forgotten your duties proper.

learn everything again.

______________________________________________


i need to work harder so that mummie may continue to be proud of me.

i need to be stronger so that mummie may be able to leave heart and trust me.

i need to be smarter so that mummie be able to live around my presence.

eq. learn eq.do it. faster, harder, stronger,

instant. i want instant.

i am.. so slow. why am i so slow...

______________________________________________

they ask me for favors.

well, i guess it is content. i am content, i mean.

and i do it for them

to a degree i decide suit their pampering myself.

the charm, the smiles, the purposeful deprivation,

you'd think it'd be reversible.

it is but for a favor anyways, you can always turn it off the next, no?

no.

every time you turn it on,

we come closer,

come nearer,

until one day you are trapped in the palm of my hand,

everytime i do something for you, you will love me more. more.

MORE.

when i leave, you'd be lost. but its okay,



I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU.

it is him again!

the beautiful toothy smile and sparkly eyes,

he sat at a table some far from ours alone,

mainly because when he was appraoaching us to ask, he heard me mentioning that i had a crush on him in sec 1. hahahahaha.

yup, he finished eating and called me on the phone,

signalling me to pick up from a few tables away.

just like some romance movie.

and i was thinking,

THIS IS SO COOLLLLLL!!! :D:D:D:D

he is uber cute! uber uber! :D


and then he asked me for a favor. meh. i did it for him anyways. :)


_________________________________________


i think i was pretty cool,

asking her to "walk lah.." when she was starting to question my actions.

i dunno. it was pretty natural for me.

i will melt them shields and reach to your heart.

little by little,

even if it takes my eternity.

:)

the solitary you,

i reach for and maybe in time,

my singular self might overcome these

seas of many others,

tides of possibilities between,

currents of feelings, and waves of emotions,

i will reach you.

the banket of navy abovehead would witness our unition,

and them stars which i begin to and by, would lose sight of,

they'd helpless watch,

i will reach you.

driftwood and rogueweed cast with caren't,

the warmest stone,

darling you,

are as well.

i want to sleep. of course i want to sleep.

but my only hope, here. i cannot give up, even for just one day,

everyday

i must try

i must tell you

how much i love you

everyday. and maybe

one day,

it will finally get through.

___________________________

btw, david gan came running down to our boutique yesterday like some caricature. so cute. and ran out again to check on his client's hair. hahahahaha. this boutique rox. :))

im sorry.

i need to be better than them.

i need to be better than all of them. so much better.

because i need to win a heart.

they dont. i need to be better.

i need to try harder.

i need to shine.

shine, so that she may see me and be proud.

i need to shine better than all of them. so much better.

i need to be the best. i need to try harder.

i need to.

i need you.

its so hard... its so hard..

im trying and growing,


and so slowly.. it is hard.

i know i must be worthy to forgive, worthy of her love before i am to go back and face her.

success,

what does it entail.. to be a person apart from them.

on par, an individual.

im trying and growing and it is having some result i guess

but its been so hard...

it is like they never existed. and the people i've come to know these two years know nothing about these beings. you could tell me they were figments of my imagination and i would believe it,

because they were such an integral part of i...

i would have believed they were aspects of my personality. personas of the mind.

they're in my blood.

"i'll love you and your blood just the same, forever and always" i said to you in my imagined scenario.


one day i will stand before you as a success you will be proud of,

a person you love.


till then i shall need to cry out the tougher times and rough out the rest. in a moment, babe, soon... lemme, now...

so yesterday and today was feeling pretty lousy.

and lian-ish. like i would give anyone the finger any moment.

some strangers decided to piss me off and the last woman succeeded,

got a jab in the shin with my new computer box.

yup. she was totally annoying giving us the slap-worthy face at the bus queue,
so i decided to slap it.

pretended to be clumsy when i boarded the bus following her, tapped in and picked up my huge heavy box while she sat in the sent nearest to the door along the aisle. kiasu bo kiasi, just WAITING for me to do it manz. went for the seat a couple of rows behind, and swung, hard, just at the right moment. "sorry". and thats it. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA. maggie would have died of laughter and smacked me dead when we got off the bus, had she been there. lolllzzz.

so pissy today.

wanted to blog that i fixed wx's and xl's DIY camera the other day. although they were supposed to do it. and i only came salong by chance. i love DIY! :)) ignited the 'gundam' in me. hahaha. gundam is the best hobby everrrr. followed by lego, because its getting easier.. i would totally put lego first just for the spongebob series though!!
:))))

met yuuu and muji ytd at starbucks. plus yuu's depressed fren. it was not as fun/relaxing with someone else ard. plus i was irritable that night. dunno if its my mood or wtf.. wonder if there's something called "i feel lonely because everyone else is smoking". yea, its called peer pressure. but i wouldnt smoke. its waayyy too ex. am probably just not adjusting right or something. maybe because they've suddenly become a lot sexier. smoke, the night, hormones,- aphrodisiac. i felt like i could lick the ashtray off the insides of their cheek. way intoxicated. i fear what'd happen if i actually went clubbing again. meh.

i'd probably start a fight. hahahahaha.

,dear angel.

the joy othat i only used to see when she was truly and suddenly happy,

it is now. it is everyday.

and to think that was only a half year ago...

dazzling,

i had spent the entire 20 minutes or so focused on her instead of the project at hand.

well i got it done in the end... through the night.


there was some huge rush of elation when they had recalled when she was wholeheartedly happpy and anticipating my presence only to be duped. the her i believed depended on me to some extent, it is not a mere belief. :)

there are many things i'd do for you.

___________________________________________________________

without hesitation.

we were talking about the wind

and i was participating ever so actively in the conversation, one would believe the natural answer to the question, "who is your favourite..."

but no, without hesitation,
almost cutting into her question,
i had replied what i have never faltered on for Years.

sometimes i feel almost remorseful for my insolence,
because the support she presents me is so much more than i can match with my loyalty.
but love... i..

the girl is disappointed for a second, before proceeding to ask why.

"such disappointment, fatalistic." as angel would say.

her anticipation, my heart..

__________________________________________________

The rift.

there is a rift between us. and the rift can be illustrated by viewing it as imaginary "shields" between us, a few of mine and a few of yours. interlocking, alternating.

the first and farthest sheild of mine, is the surfaceal reasoning. what would seem logical and what i would tell others about why we are distanced. the second shield would represent the underlying reason for our distance, and the third, the closest to heart, would we the root cause of the reasons, and thus the rift. (like even if the problem is solved, the rift is still there.. yknow..) i dont know what your problems/shields represent, but mine , other the first being read as "necessity", would be that of "guilt" and then two types of "fear". if we can breakthrough these shields, we shall never be apart again.

:) and that day shall come. it will. because i can.

last year has been pretty cool~

wish this year wld be a blast too. :))

am so tired sehh.....

just checked and even cross-referenced horoscopes to see if i shd really do sth about "it". i just went for it. wldnt pin all my hopes on it, but i think it might be okay... i dont know...

mm... met vivian and we really talked the night through until the next evening stil talking. hahahahaha. oh we are sooo cool~

im falling sickk... really... cannot zhen jiu alr... IM DYINGGG! meh.

i think im pretty positive about this year. hehe.

havent seen nobody nobody but ms chew in a long long time siaa. wanna see wanna see. walau seh, she ignore me lor... :(( HAIZZZ cannot entertain me anymoreee~

okay lah. she rocks anyways. YEAAAAAAA
alritey, to better times ahead!!!!!! 2010 here I AM.

heyheyhey using maggie's lappy againzz.

just came back fr bintan. was pretty fun even though the weather was not perfect.. :)

day one was pretty horrible cos of choppy waters otw to bintan. plus was cranky in the morning, not being fully awake yet, stil tio lecture. was like wtf.. uber early pls. well anyways, chiat was really quiet during the boat ride, mainly because she was puking all the way, lolzz. i fell asleep after watching the waves for some time. found out, in these couple of days (esp during escape themepk w sher, ka and gohblok) that im actually quite tolerant of motion~ but surprising am still prey for taxis. i hate taxis mans... give me instant headache. first day was nothing much.. walked around,, lazed in the hotel rm, ate at LALUNA. hahahaha LA LUNA. stupid LA LUNA. i dont know how to describe its significance to us manz. all faulty but entirelly perfect. geddit? lolzz.

newayz, the couple of daus were just beach/pool/room/LA LUNA was much funn. we played scrabble and heart attack, did face masks ( including ZH!), watched the 9o'clock show with dai yangtian inside, swam, sauna-ed, and spammed cameras. HOOTS. A levels is soooo over and we are FEELING IT! wheeeeeeeee~~ we playted archery and air rifle shooting in the leisure park. i bunked w rach btw~ plusss i got to hear jang guen suk sing a small part of "WHat SHould I Do" on an interviewww. i watched an episode of fringe. must say, it was pretty freaky-entertaining, but the format of the show was quite typical of american dramas.. sorta like csi, but with a main plot. a case per episode. AM dramas need to try harder... it gets predictable after awhile.

my heart has been going off alot more frequently nowadays.. dun feel like/ dun intend to check it out. dun like heart scans. plus itd be quite a waste to make a trip there and back only to have them say there's nothing, when i know there's something.. im the body, no? if i say there's something wrong, there better be something wrong, or i'm sooo not myself, yea? hahaha.

saw the angel the pther day. things appear when you least expect it, no? :)) angel help heal my heart, love. (say the last in a brit accent, like our coach driver in london. OH, Brits~)

mummie's still a tad unsolved.. talked to sher abt mummie again. mummie is fine the way she is. it makes her angie. and not gpl, or wind, or suhaila, or ang weekhee even. that is the mummie i love. never stop being yourself. i promise i will grow, to become more mature, more understanding, more lovable and cute. i love you. and that love does not change. forever be my number one.